Writing Contradictions

That's contradicting writing advice, not writing about contradictions...

I've been told my sentences should be longer, then told they should be shorter. My paragraphs are too short. No wait, short paragraphs up the tension. Don't info dump. Do info dump sometimes. Don't start sentences with 'then.' Apart from when you want to.

Don't call your character a silly name. Do call your character a silly name. But don't ever use that name because it doesn't work.

Don't use passive sentences. Except that sometimes they work quite well.

Don't come out of your character's viewpoint... Unless you have to come out of your character's viewpoint. Are you writing in close third person? Narrative? First person? What? It all depends on the POV!

Take that bit out. No wait... put it back in again, I liked it.

Don't use repetition. Apart from here, here and here.

Don't write how you speak! Unless you're writing dialogue. Or first person. Or close third person where the character would talk like you speak...

You need to describe more! But take out this, this and this because it's overly descriptive.

Writing, eh? Easy.